Following my last post, I looked at a recent Australian study of 324 four-year-olds. While one in five of these youngsters were overweight or obese, 83% of their mothers did not think they were! The study, lead by Michele Campbell*goes to the heart of our complicated psyche. These mothers were not ‘bad mothers’, this is something I see all the time in adults whether it’s their obesity or their child’s – this is our mind keeping us from seeing and feeling painful information. This is the first and foremost role of our unconscious – to keep us safe from emotional pain.

Generally mothers were more concerned about daughters than sons – presumably because it’s okay to be a ‘big and strong’ boy. All parents should, at least once a year, check their children’s position on the ‘BMI for age’ chart (see the previous post).

*Maternal concern and perceptions of overweight in Australian preschool-aged children. Medical Journal of Australia, 2006.

For parents to define if their child is overweight is not simple because weight depends on both age and height and children have this annoying habit of inexorable growth, they just don’t stop! (Our 16 year old son has just hit 6 foot 3 inches – we are going to have to stop feeding him steroid enriched chicken!) The research shows that parents are reluctant to admit that their children are overweight. There is an objective way to avoid any doubt. I recommend that you involve your children in this process – they also deserve objective feedback to know where they are in the spectrum. If they are at the higher end then this allows a less emotional, more ‘scientific’ discussion to occur.

As with adults we use, the Body Mass Index, or BMI, calculation which factors in height as well as weight. For children we need a further layer – a standardised chart that brings in their age. Fortunately the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in the USA has done all the hard work of collecting the data. If you go to this link – Clinical Growth Charts – you can download the charts and plot your children’s BMI and age over time. There are a lot of charts on offer, which can be confusing. I suggest you download, under the ‘Children 2 to 20 years (5th-95th percentile)’ heading the Girls/Boys ‘BMI-for-age’ chart.

To work out your child’s BMI to plot on the chart go to this link – Child and Teen BMI Calculator (we Aussies will need to click on ‘Metric’ to switch input data to kgs) and fill in the information. If they are at the 85th percentile or higher they are overweight. This means that they weigh the same or more than 85% of their peers. At the 95th percentile they are obese.

At a recent workshop I was talking about ‘other-sabotage’. This is when a partner does things like starting to buy chocolates and taking their ‘loved one’ out to their favourite restaurant as their weight starts to fall. This lead me to talk about my working definition of love. As a relationship therapist one needs a clear way of understanding love, or else relationships (and life) get very confusing. When people finish a sentence about an abusive parent or partner with ‘… but I know he/she loved me in their own way’ they end up very confused as they hang onto a dream that maybe one day…   True love is not hard to recognise when you apply this definition that I modified from Scott Peck:

True love is a commitment to nurturing personal growth – in both you and the other.

Love is not a feeling – it is a commitment. When we are putting our irritable (and irritating) tired, grumpy child to bed without responding to their annoying behaviour, the dominant feeling is not a loving feeling – but the action is loving. If we see love as a feeling, all long-term relationships must become loveless eventually, for longer periods, as the ‘novelty’ wears off – but not so when you see it as a commitment to nurturing personal growth.  And then, to nurture another’s personal growth requires deep empathy for where they are at and what they need at that point in their life to grow into better people.

If  you only nuture the growth of others and not your own, you clearly don’t love yourself. This will limit how much you can love others by limiting how much they can love you. You will sabotage the relationship once someone loves you more than you do. Equally, our children need to see us take time to meet our own needs, otherwise they will grow up thinking they are only ‘good’ if they are looking after others.

If someone is sabotaging your weight loss, or stopping you from educating yourself, or getting therapy, or maintaining your friendships – it’s not love you’re looking at, it’s the opposite …

This 30 second speech by Bryan Dyson (CEO of Coca Cola) is worth repeating.

“Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling five balls in the air – work, family, health, friends and spirit. You’re trying to keep them all in the air.

You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back.

But the other four balls – family, health, friends and spirit – are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same.”

Scary stuff! By the time children reach secondary school a third of all children (32.6%) are obese or overweight. While some have suggested the rates are slowing, these figures show an increase from 2007 to 2008.

I’ve just been researching the childhood obesity story and came across this very solid data from the UK. It is government data from a large national measurement programme which weighs children when they start primary and secondary school. Apparently, officials have previously admitted that its figures are likely to be an underestimate, as the scheme is voluntary, and overweight children are the most likely to refuse to be weighed.

Boys were more likely to be overweight than girls. Poorer, less educated areas had higher rates again, which were balanced down by better-off, more educated parts of Britain. Mothers buying convenience food rather than preparing healthy meals (often because they don’t know how to) was thought to be a major factor.

The problem is expected to cripple their healthcare system (the NHS) in years to come if something is not done rather differently.

Unfortunately, it is likely that story is no better here in Australia as our overall rates of adult obesity are essentially the same as the UK.

It was Laura Lovett who described The Popeye Principle in her detailed paper published in 2005 on the First Nutrition Crisis.* In the 1920′s, following the Great War it was not obesity that was a problem in the USA, it was malnutrition. Created by Elzie Segar, Popeye debuted on 17 January 1929 in the comic strip Thimble Theatre. In 1933, Max and Dave Fleischer adapted the characters of Popeye, his sweetheart Olive Oyl, their foundling adoptive child Sweet Pea and his arch enemy Bruto,  into a series of Popeye the Sailor cartoons for Paramount Pictures. The cartoons were such a success that they ran until 1957 while the comic strip is still rerun today, 80 years later.

Other than being the star of an iconic cartoon series, a movie (played by Robin Williams), video games and hundreds of advertisements, why is Popeye of such interest? Popeye single-handedly (admittedly he does have ferocious forearm muscles!) made spinach the third most popular food in the USA after turkey and ice cream!! And it was not spinach lightly sautéed in butter and garlic and served with a juicy eye fillet, that he made so popular – it was canned spinach!!! All this with the 1930′s technology of an animated cartoon. Imagine what a clever advertising company could do now (and of course  they do do now) with the post-George-Lucas-era wizardry of 21st century technology!

*Published in the Journal of Health Politics, Policy and Law, Vol 30 No. 5.

The only problem was that I did not authorise it and have no agreement with them!  Amazon appear to be on the case though. The silver lining, was the great review it had received. A New Yorker loses 32 lbs (14.5kg) just from reading my book! Here’s the full review:

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

The relationship between dietary restraint and failure to lose weight pivots around the issue of ‘rigid’ as opposed to ‘flexible’ control of eating. If you want to understand why around 90% of people can’t stick to diets the answer lies in people restricting what they eat too much – the so-called ‘restrained eater’. Not all restraint is problematic, no restraint at all is how we gained weight in the first place! No, there is a particular kind of restraint that expalins why most weight loss plans fail. Don’t believe me, here the words from the world experts on the subject:

“… there is no relationship between dietary restraint per se and disinhibited or disordered eating patterns. Rather, this relationship depends on the predominant type of restrained eating. If eating behavior is primarily rigidly controlled, this pattern of restraint is associated with more disturbed eating patterns, for example, binge eating. In the long run, this type of restraint is not helpful in weight reduction or weight maintenance. If the restrained eating behavior is more flexibly controlled, then this type of restraint is associated with less disturbed eating behavior, lower body weight, and more successful weight reduction and maintenance.”*

Rigid control is all about attempting to totally avoid sweets or other favourite foods while trying to lose weight. It’s about having inflexible rules and prohibitions. It’s about creating a state of deprivation and craving for loved foods that slowly, but very surely, begins the process of self-sabotage that will bring the diet undone. This is how our mind responds to dietary deprivation. You can be as sure of this as you are about the sun rising tomorrow. So what is ‘flexible restraint’? Well, there’s a great book on exactly that issue …

*I have added the italics. From: Joachim Westenhoefer & Albert J. Stunkard et al, Validation of the Flexible and Rigid Control Dimensions of Dietary Restraint International, Journal of Eating Disorders, 1999 Vol 26 (p 53-64).

In resarching the kids book on healthy eating habits that my wife and I are writing, I have come across some fascinating research. For example, Dr Brian Wansink’s research found a typical veggie lover either:

• was a good cook
• lived with a good cook
• or had a parent who was a good cook

I can tell you, from a psychotherapists point of view, that to fall in the first or second categories, you usually needed to have come from the third. His team went on to research 317 ‘good cooks’ (at least one other person had to agree with the person!) to find out what they were doing so right. They identified five different kinds of cooks:

• Giving cooks
• Competitive cooks
• Healthy cooks
• Methodical cooks
• Innovative cooks

All cooks but one, promoted the health of their family. Which one? The Giving cooks – unfortunately the most common type – these are the makers of comfort food! Unconsciously, they know that by giving rich, fattening foods, at one level, they are giving pleasure – if only it didn’t send us to an early grave. Unwittingly, these culinary experts used their skill for evil instead of good (ok, that’s overstating it George!) to make energy-dense, high carb foods such as baked cakes, brownies and other sweet foods for desserts. And what did the other four types do that promoted the health of their families? They used their cooking to increase the variety of foods that those around them ate. Like any great chef, they were much more interested in fresh, wholesome foods as central to this variety.

Wansink gives us five strategies for increasing the variety in kids meals:

1. Buying a greater range of foods for the family home
2. Trying new recipes (including ethnic ones)
3. Substituting different, healthier ingredients (veggies and spices) into favourite recipes
4. Taking kids to the grocery store and letting them choose a new, healthy food (something my brilliant Psychologist wife worked out 15 years ago when this research was not yet a light bulb in the researcher’s thought bubble!)
5. Visiting a range of authentic ethnic restaurants (kids are more likely to try new foods on a ‘special’ night out with a bit of healthy peer group pressure!)

Food for thought (sorry!) for any parent!

The greatest determinant of what children (and partners) eat is simply what is in the house to eat, to make for lunches or what they are given money to buy. For children without the money and the transport to access their own food, the parent with the purse strings has almost total control over how healthy, or fattening, the family’s diet will be. For example, kids will simply drink less sugared soft-drinks if there are none in the house – easy. (We don’t want them to feel deprived, because this will drive them to over-indulge when they can, so we will let them have them once or twice a week when we are out and about.)

Remember, once fattening foods have made their way into our fridge or pantry they will make their way into us. The Ruler of Family Food Land holds the life and death of their subjects in their hands. But, you say, as an adult they can choose to eat more healthily if they choose. If only. I can tell you from working with so many obese folk, that their adult eating patterns were shaped in their formative years – that’s why they’re called formative years.

In a survey run by Dr Brian Wansink, it was estimated that 72% of the food decisions in the family (children and partners) were ‘controlled’ by one parent or caregiver – what I think of as the Ruler of Family Food Land. This is enormous power. Use it to limit the more fattening foods and increase the availability and variety of fresh, healthy foods. Ultimately, it may be about how long your children live. Wield the power carefully.

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While the story for weight loss maintenance in adults is fairly dismal, children are much more likely to maintain their weight loss. In one comparison reviewed in “Long-term maintenance of weight loss: Current status” by Jeffery et al.  (Health Psychology 19.1:2000) it was found that only 4% of adults had kept their weight off years later, whereas 10-15% of pre-adolescent children had kept off the weight they had lost up to 10 years later. Adolescence seems to be the beginning of the closing of a window in which we are more able to significantly, and permanently change the eating behaviour and weight of younger children.

In this article I want to look at what is perhaps the most troubling issue for every human on the planet – how to move ourselves out of a troubling, often overwhelming, negative mood state.

Here is a summary of the 5 techniques – I could write a book on each one, so this is just an overview. It all starts with developing your Observer.

With our observer turned on we can pull back from just being our emotions to observing them. Until our observer is turned on we will just be emotional. There are five strategies we can use to move out of negative emotions once our observer is turned on. Our Observer’s first job is to choose a strategy to try first. Different ways work for different people, and different strategies work at different times. Children will most likely find the last 3 the most helpful – discuss them with your child.

1. Cognitive shifting – Challenge irrational thoughts or Detach from them by thanking your mind for trying to keep you safe (because that is why it worries). Detaching from your thoughts is probably the easier. Most fears are not truths, most fears will never happen, 90% of the things we worry about never occur. Problems that do actually occur in life are rarely those we worried about. Worry is very over-rated by our minds. Worse, it pushes out better thoughts. After detaching, shift your focus onto appreciating what is good in your life (find 5 things) or get to work on a project that is meaningful for you.
2. Understanding the origins of your emotions, who or what triggers them and why – so you can identify the point at which you can choose to go in a different direction. Identify the true origin of what is upsetting you. Often what we think is the cause is just a trigger. When someone evokes a strong negative feeling in us, often they have either reminded us of someone from our past or a part of ourselves that we are not too happy with. Until you understand the emotion, you will have great difficulty moving. In the same way, memories of situations, interactions with others that continue you to haunts us, do so because we have not learnt the lesson we need to learn.
3. Physiological shifting. A good sleep is the best example. When you’re really stressed, the help of mild sedative (e.g. Valerian) may be necessary – there is nothing worse than adding sleep deprivation to a problem(s) that you already have. A couple of drinks can shift our physiology to a happier place, but that does not mean that more is better!  Relaxation exercises, the half-smile manoeuvre and massage are healthier options. Antidepressant medication may be necessary if you become clinically anxious or depressed. There are lots of good non-addictive, non-sedating medications around now.
4. Behavioural: This is where we do something different to change our mood state. Approach a threat, or feared situation,  instead of avoid it is the most powerful. Skills training (e.g. assertiveness) is a different form of this. Mindfully connecting with nature by getting outside and walking through a park, or better still, along a beach, can shift our state as much as a valium tablet! If you are spiritual or religious, meditating or praying can be a powerful way of breaking out of a negative emotional state.
5. Engage competing emotions: Perhaps my favourite strategy. Visualise times of pleasure and achievement from your life going back to childhood. You can do this on awakening in the morning to start your day the right way round. Wander back to times when things went your way and bask in the feeling. Van Morrison’s song Days Like This is about these times.  The most powerful competing emotions to any negative state are laughter and appreciation. The latter can be hard to do when you’re feeling really down, so it’s much easier to get out a funny DVD, or watch some stand-up comedy, or go see some live. (As you can see there is some overlap between these strategies as this is a form of strategies 3 and 4 – but you get the idea.)

These 5 strategies are there for you to see which will work for you. At different times differents strategies will work better – trial and error them! Find two or three that work best for you. Read this list when you are down, as your memory will not allow you to access this kind of information otherwise.

Hope this helps.