For a long time I have been uncomfortable with goals and all the rah rah around trying to achieve them. To be specific the problem is the timeframe. This means that when people don’t achieve goals in their often arbitrarily allotted timframe they become demoralised and give up.  I heard one righteous presenter argue the dogma that ‘a goal is a dream with deadline’. What a great way to kill a dream!! So often, in both my life and others, I have seen dreams arrive long after they were hoped for, and it was the very lack of a deadline that kept them alive long enough to allow their delivery.

And then my daughter and wife have clarified for us all an entirely different problem with goals. I don’t think I can explain it any better than my daughter has on her blog. We teach best what we are grappling with ourselves! Have a read by clicking here

Yesterday I attended a stimulating workshop with Bob Neimeyer a psychologist expert on bereavement and grief  who has published widely on the subject (click here for his website). It was all about managing the loss of a loved one, especially children, through finding the benefits and the meaning in the loss – not something that is easily done, especially early on. BTW, he recommended this website as an excellent resource for assistance in dealing with losses of all different kinds: www.opentohope.com.

We were asked to do an exercise that he gets his patients to do, as way of opening up a different, meaning-based dialogue around a person’s grief. We were asked to write a story, that incorporated, in no particular order, the following elements: a crying child, a talking animal, a mountain, an empty house and a sunrise. In the 8 minutes we were given the essence of the following came to me:

The Mountain was less concerned about the child’s crying. The Goat and the Mountain had been good friends for a long time.

“Without death there is no life,” the Mountain reminded the Goat.

“But the human child is in pain,” the Goat said.

“Who said pain is a bad thing?” the Mountain asked the Goat. ” It always ends, and from pain our most important growth occurs.”

“In this life or the next,” the Goat added softly.

By the time the sun rose the next morning on the empty house, the child too, like her mother, had passed over. The Goat ate grass and the Mountain just was.

I heard this great line at a workshop with American grief expert and psychologist, Dr Robert Neimeyer yesterday (more on this in another post). Men, listen up! This is something we are often rubbish at. (Although more and more these days in some relationships it’s the career woman!) Too often us blokes step in to try and fix what others (partners, children, parents, workmates) are telling us about, instead of just ‘being’ with the person as they tell us their story.

We often grossly under-value the power of just being present and bearing witness to people as they tell their story. Even as a trained psychotherapist, where this is drummed into you, it took me many years to fully appreciate how powerful it often is just to listen actively to people. Usually, if there is a simple solution, the other person would have thought of it. Your quick solutions can leave them feeling unempathised with at best, or, at worst, that you just want to get them off the subject because you don’t like the discomfort of it.

If we ‘do something’ what should it look like?

Even if you can see a way forward for your partner, child or whoever, it is much more powerful to ask them questions that help them come to this realisation. We don’t look as clever, but then who do we most want to help? The person we care about, or our flagging ego …

The first day is the one on which we fully realise that we came into this life for a reason. We realise that we have what Aristotle called our ‘Daimon’ – our unique mix of abilities and talents, however small or unvalued by the world at large – and our job is to express them. This expression is accompanied by the highest emotional state of ‘happiness’ that humans can experience – what Aristotle called ‘Eudaimonia’.

Which brings us to the second day, often months or years after the first. This is the day when you truly meet your Daimon – its birthday – and you begin to dance with your Daimon. You start to live your life around doing what has meaning for you. It might be the day you finally start to confront the anxiety of putting pen to paper (or these days finger to keyboard!) or brush to canvas. It might be the day you enrol in the first subject that will ultimately allow you to study what really turns you on. It might be the day you do something just for you and the people around you and the world be damned for a few hours! (You have given them way too much of your precious life anyway!)

Life is inherently meaningless – until we find our meaning. Only one person can give it meaning.  If you look for a meaning outside you, if you look to others, you will find nothing. If you do not bring meaning to your life, if you do not go looking for your Daimon, you will be confronted by its meaninglessness. On the other hand if you go looking for your meaning, the ultimate knight’s quest, you can’t help but find it … eventually. While I consider myself to be a spiritual being having a human experience, I’m not at all religious, but I know that young Matthew was speaking an old truth when he said: Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

Some wisdom on the all important subject of meaning through choice. And how awesome is the wise author of this article … here’s the link: The consequences of choice …

While the pain of childbirth with a mother’s first child is considered to be one of the most severe pain levels a human can experience, surprisingly few women are traumatised by it. This is because they understand what the pain is and because it comes with enormous meaning – creating life.

Today I was working with one of my patients (let’s call her Sophia – Greek for ‘Wisdom’) who was sexually abused by her father. We were talking about telling her brother who was abusing drugs and alcohol and had said to his sister that he too thought he had been molested. Sophia had actually been present when he had been abused. Sophia’s fear was that the truth would bring her brother undone. She did not want to cause him emotional pain by revealing the truth of who had abused her (he only knew ‘someone’ had).

Sophia initially came to me with feelings of depression, sexual dysfunction, low self-esteem and was drinking too much. At that stage she had unclear memories of having been sexually abused as a young child. From our current vantage point, I asked Sophia about which pain was worse – the pain she had when she knew something ‘bad’ had happened in her past – but did not understand it, or the pain she had now as she was processing the abuse in full, distressing colour. Sophia had been doing it particularly tough in recent sessions as she was doing EMDR and was in the thick of recalling the detail and working through her abuse experiences. Despite the disturbing memories she was working on, Sophia did not hesitate, “I would rather have the pain of the truth, because from here I can grow and heal. I can see a way forward. The other pain was slowly destroying me and God knows where it was going to end up.”

“Which pain would you rather your brother had?” I asked gently.

“The pain of truth,” Sophia responded – again without hesitation.

The way in which the truth sets you free is by opening a pathway forward into personal growth. Without knowing, or confronting, the truth we are caught in a loop that slowly but surely spirals downwards. The pain of truth, is such a very, very different pain.

I was fascinated to read about research* showing that people diagnosed with heart failure did better, up to four years later, the better their marriage was. How much love was in their hearts correlated with how well they did as much as did their hard medical risk factors! Yet another study correlating psychological well-being with physical health. Another reason why we should work on having more loving relationships. As always, start by thinking about what more you can do to make your partner feel loved.

*Coyne JC et al  Prognostic importance of marital quality for survival of congestive heart failure. Am J Cardiology 2001; 88:526–529.

Guy Hendricks, on writing about Fearless Living, has some profound thoughts (thanks to my wife for passing them on). When we work out who we are and what we do, the day to day achievements and material rewards become secondary – or a hindrance. Here is what he has to say:

The purpose of life is to discover an existence within ourselves that passing time can’t take from us. Fear is born from what is taken away from us loss of kids/career/health  etc.

When we win, achieve, have family – all pass with time. We lose our sense of self because we have identified with something in time. Our sense of self is confined by what it is defined through. We have pain because we have identified with something temporary and hoped it to be eternal.

Deciduous trees lose their fruit and leaves, but even though they look barren, they have not lost their potential. A bare tree is something nature requires of the tree so it can meet the winter and store energy to create new life in the spring. When life comes along and blows the leaves off us, and all our fruit is gone. The disappearance of the leaves and fruit is not the disappearance of our possibilities. It is setting us up, to realise there is something greater coming if we will allow it.

The purpose of life is to discover who and what we are intended to be – created anew, brighter, broader, better every moment. When we allow the moments in our lives to reveal that who and what we’ve been has gone as far as it can go, but not as far as there is to go, our happiness is eternal. We are part of ceaseless transformation. And we are both creators and creations ourselves. Life reveals for us where we can take part in an internal and eternal creation. But we need to give up the part of us who only knows ourselves through our creations. Life inevitably reveals to us what needs to change.

This 30 second speech by Bryan Dyson (CEO of Coca Cola) is worth repeating.

“Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling five balls in the air – work, family, health, friends and spirit. You’re trying to keep them all in the air.

You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back.

But the other four balls – family, health, friends and spirit – are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same.”

At my last workshop I promised to post details of the living psychiatrist (going strong at 79) that has inspired me more than any other. He is an authority on both Group Therapy and Existential Psychotherapy – the importance of finding meaning in one’s life. What makes him so unique for me, is that while his textbooks are highly respected in these respective fields, he has written best selling novels that spoke to my heart. I enjoyed reading these three books as much as I have enjoyed reading anything (and I read a lot). Few psychiatrists are prepared to talk about their failures and personal feelings as publicly and as openly as Yalom does (read The Fat Lady from Love’s Executioner). He lives his mantra that ‘it is the relationship that heals’ (not clever advice). In making himself vulnerable to the world he allows us all to be perfectly flawed humans. And then he writes like an angel. My three favourite books are:

• Love’s Executioner and Other Tales of Psychotherapy
• When Nietzsche Wept
• Lying on the Couch

His two textbooks that are must reads for students of these fields are:

• Existential Psychotherapy
• The Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy

To read more about him, here is the Wiki on this great psychiatrist: Irvin D Yalom

To go to Amazon, here’s the link: Yalom’s Books on Amazon

(While I have read all of his books the only one I’m not so enamoured with was The Schopenhauer Cure – it was a little too spiritually bereft for me.)

One of my patients, a recently married, talented music producer, has been troubled for some time by his daily alcohol intake of often more than a bottle of wine a day. This week he told me how he had attended a wedding and even though he could have had more as he was driving, he only had one beer. The next day he threw a 40^th birthday party for his wife and had no more than two beers despite it being a lavish affair (that went very well). Then he drank nothing for the next five days as he worked on a musical event he was responsible for.

So what was the great therapeutic intervention that I instituted to manage his drinking that was so effective? Nothing. Zip. What we have been working on is finding meaning and purpose in his life and while I don’t think our work has yet to show its full benefit, this story illustrates why we are looking at finding meaning. You see, I believe he didn’t drink, because the social events and the upcoming music show gave his body and soul more than a good vintage wine could – it was filling the gap with meaning. He loves making music happen. He loves showcasing the talent of young musicians. He was in flow. When we are in flow, we don’t want the alcohol to, because it gets in the way of what gives us real, meaningful happiness.

I shared this thought, one of my ‘rememberings’, with one of my highly insightful, surprisingly enlightened, young patients. She said how as a young child she had journalled: ‘God doesn’t care if I’m scared or angry, he only cares about the choices I make and what I end up doing.’ Very cool.

The point is, we need to decide whether or not to do things based on how meaningful it would be for us to do them. If there is little or no meaning, or if we’re just doing it for the money, or the recognition, skip it. But if it talks to us, if it reflects our values, if it’s about who we are and what we do …

Thanks to one of my patients, let’s call him Joseph, who forwarded me these wonderful words on the importance of taking risks in life – so central to the purpose of this blog. He points out that the piece is often attributed to the poet Leo Buscaglia, whereas the real author of this inspirational verse is Janet Rand.

RISKS

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool,
To weep is to risk being called sentimental.
To reach out to another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk showing your true self.
To place your ideas and your dreams before the crowd is to risk being called naive.
To love is to risk not being loved in return,
To live is to risk dying,
To hope is to risk despair,
To try is to risk failure

But risks must be taken, because the greatest risk in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow or love.
Chained by his certitude, he is a slave; he has forfeited his freedom.
Only the person who risks is truly free

People often wonder how following one’s bliss will actually take you forward and bring you those three elusive things. The full quote around Jospeh Campbell’s advice to ‘follow your bliss’, that I came across recently, begins to explain how it works. In simple terms, people love and respond to people who are passionate about life and what they want to do. If you really let people see your passion (which you will only have to show if what you’re doing is meaningful to you) they almost can’t stop themselves from helping you where they can. In part, it’s because most people don’t let others see their passion, that make it so unusual and attractive.

This is the full quote:

“You begin to meet people who are in the field of your bliss and they open the doors for you.  I say follow your bliss and don’t be afraid and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.” – Joseph Campbell

When I talk about Pursuing a Meaningful Purpose in life (PAMPering ourselves) most people’s eye’s glaze over and they say words along the lines of ‘But I have no idea what a meaningful purpose for me is!’ So we need to start with the 6 strategies that can help us to work this out. Two from the past, two now and two to consider for the future. Here they are:

PAST
1. Childhood dreams & aspirations – remember back, what did you fantasize about being … now as an adult
2. Review your work history – what stands out? Which part of which jobs did you really enjoy doing?

CURRENT
3. Which aspects of what you do now talk to you? Which parts of your job/life do you find yourself drawn to, that come easily?
4. Ask these two questions and notice what comes up for you – don’t dismiss a thought because you think it’s ‘silly’. ‘If I had the wherewithal to do anything what would I do?’ or
‘If I wasn’t scared, I would …’

FUTURE
5. ‘Experiment in the direction of …’ Either in your mind (notice what it feels like to see yourself doing it) or better still, spend an hour a week doing something towards this interest.
6. Specifically create time each week, ideally 2-3 hours, maybe on the weekend, to explore these ideas that have come up. This could be as simple as watching a movie or documentary on what seems meaningful to you.

REMEMBER – If you don’t start to work on this, there are only three things you miss out on …

WARNING
Pursuing Potential is anxiety provoking – if you fail what then? Be ready for this anxiety or ‘existential angst’ as it is known as. The good news is that if it is meaningful to you, you can’t fail, only learn, refine and get closer to what is a meaningful purpose for you.

Start the journey …

Here you can post any questions, comments or requests you have on the site.

(click on the ‘Comments’ link, or ‘Leave a Reply’ under this post)

There are two types of Giving. There is the giving that expects a return (even if it is later down the track). Then there is the Giving where the reward is simply that which comes from the experience of being part of what is the oldest, purest loving act. If you feel in any way depleted by your act of giving then you are giving with a little ‘g’. Big ‘G’ Giving is done without the Ego getting in the way. This allows us to Give more powerfully, with the recipient getting the full potential of the act of Giving.

In relationship therapy, I often see couples with problems giving with a little ‘g’ – or ‘tit-for-tat’ giving – i.e. I’ll do this for you on the basis you do this for me – often unspoken – it’s not worth much. It does not capture the fullness of the key strategy of  ‘working to be the best partner you can be’ irrespective of how your partner responds (whether they develop this skill for your current partner or your next one).

And then, few things shift a negative mood state more effectively than big ‘G’ giving.

SPEND IT DOING WHAT YOU LOVE!! (From the movie Flash of Genius)

I love this quote because being reasonably good at things often means we go down a path that is not meaningful and ultimately unrewarding. In this way being good at things can hold us back bigtime.