Some wisdom on the all important subject of meaning through choice. And how awesome is the wise author of this article … here’s the link: The consequences of choice …

Guy Hendricks, on writing about Fearless Living, has some profound thoughts (thanks to my wife for passing them on). When we work out who we are and what we do, the day to day achievements and material rewards become secondary – or a hindrance. Here is what he has to say:

The purpose of life is to discover an existence within ourselves that passing time can’t take from us. Fear is born from what is taken away from us loss of kids/career/health  etc.

When we win, achieve, have family – all pass with time. We lose our sense of self because we have identified with something in time. Our sense of self is confined by what it is defined through. We have pain because we have identified with something temporary and hoped it to be eternal.

Deciduous trees lose their fruit and leaves, but even though they look barren, they have not lost their potential. A bare tree is something nature requires of the tree so it can meet the winter and store energy to create new life in the spring. When life comes along and blows the leaves off us, and all our fruit is gone. The disappearance of the leaves and fruit is not the disappearance of our possibilities. It is setting us up, to realise there is something greater coming if we will allow it.

The purpose of life is to discover who and what we are intended to be – created anew, brighter, broader, better every moment. When we allow the moments in our lives to reveal that who and what we’ve been has gone as far as it can go, but not as far as there is to go, our happiness is eternal. We are part of ceaseless transformation. And we are both creators and creations ourselves. Life reveals for us where we can take part in an internal and eternal creation. But we need to give up the part of us who only knows ourselves through our creations. Life inevitably reveals to us what needs to change.

This 30 second speech by Bryan Dyson (CEO of Coca Cola) is worth repeating.

“Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling five balls in the air – work, family, health, friends and spirit. You’re trying to keep them all in the air.

You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back.

But the other four balls – family, health, friends and spirit – are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same.”

Thanks to Dr David Rimmer who broke us all up at my Brisbane workshop with this wonderful example of how creative the unconscious mind can be as it rules our conscious mind and our life. I was talking about how powerful the unconscious can be in getting us to avoid things that threaten it in some way … how we never forget to pick up lotto winnings, but we do forget root canal appointments; how we can ‘forget’ that we have Type 2 Diabetes when our favourite dessert is in front of us etc.

Procrasticleaning is when we suddenly find ourselves cleaning the house, the desk, the car, instead of doing something we would rather avoid!

At my last workshop I promised to post details of the living psychiatrist (going strong at 79) that has inspired me more than any other. He is an authority on both Group Therapy and Existential Psychotherapy – the importance of finding meaning in one’s life. What makes him so unique for me, is that while his textbooks are highly respected in these respective fields, he has written best selling novels that spoke to my heart. I enjoyed reading these three books as much as I have enjoyed reading anything (and I read a lot). Few psychiatrists are prepared to talk about their failures and personal feelings as publicly and as openly as Yalom does (read The Fat Lady from Love’s Executioner). He lives his mantra that ‘it is the relationship that heals’ (not clever advice). In making himself vulnerable to the world he allows us all to be perfectly flawed humans. And then he writes like an angel. My three favourite books are:

• Love’s Executioner and Other Tales of Psychotherapy
• When Nietzsche Wept
• Lying on the Couch

His two textbooks that are must reads for students of these fields are:

• Existential Psychotherapy
• The Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy

To read more about him, here is the Wiki on this great psychiatrist: Irvin D Yalom

To go to Amazon, here’s the link: Yalom’s Books on Amazon

(While I have read all of his books the only one I’m not so enamoured with was The Schopenhauer Cure – it was a little too spiritually bereft for me.)

I shared this thought, one of my ‘rememberings’, with one of my highly insightful, surprisingly enlightened, young patients. She said how as a young child she had journalled: ‘God doesn’t care if I’m scared or angry, he only cares about the choices I make and what I end up doing.’ Very cool.

The point is, we need to decide whether or not to do things based on how meaningful it would be for us to do them. If there is little or no meaning, or if we’re just doing it for the money, or the recognition, skip it. But if it talks to us, if it reflects our values, if it’s about who we are and what we do …

Thanks to one of my patients, let’s call him Joseph, who forwarded me these wonderful words on the importance of taking risks in life – so central to the purpose of this blog. He points out that the piece is often attributed to the poet Leo Buscaglia, whereas the real author of this inspirational verse is Janet Rand.

RISKS

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool,
To weep is to risk being called sentimental.
To reach out to another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk showing your true self.
To place your ideas and your dreams before the crowd is to risk being called naive.
To love is to risk not being loved in return,
To live is to risk dying,
To hope is to risk despair,
To try is to risk failure

But risks must be taken, because the greatest risk in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow or love.
Chained by his certitude, he is a slave; he has forfeited his freedom.
Only the person who risks is truly free

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There are two types of Giving. There is the giving that expects a return (even if it is later down the track). Then there is the Giving where the reward is simply that which comes from the experience of being part of what is the oldest, purest loving act. If you feel in any way depleted by your act of giving then you are giving with a little ‘g’. Big ‘G’ Giving is done without the Ego getting in the way. This allows us to Give more powerfully, with the recipient getting the full potential of the act of Giving.

In relationship therapy, I often see couples with problems giving with a little ‘g’ – or ‘tit-for-tat’ giving – i.e. I’ll do this for you on the basis you do this for me – often unspoken – it’s not worth much. It does not capture the fullness of the key strategy of  ‘working to be the best partner you can be’ irrespective of how your partner responds (whether they develop this skill for your current partner or your next one).

And then, few things shift a negative mood state more effectively than big ‘G’ giving.