Many people put on weight as a defense against intimacy arising from past hurts. Their fat becomes a buffer, a shield to keep the opposite sex at a distance. But the truth is that it doesn’t work quite how we might think. In reality there are lots of men out there who are attracted to big women (and vice versa). Unfortunately for those using this strategy, people are often attracted to what’s below the surface – beauty is not skin deep … dammit!! So if getting fat does not keep people away, how do we get it to work?

One of my patients today spoke with great self-honesty about her response to our work in trying to help her with relationships. I’ve been suggesting that she put herself out there to meet men for some time (we needed some material to work with in therapy!) Finally, she announced, that after considering a range of options, she was going to join RSVP. But … she had realised that since making this decision (but not yet signing up) she was eating more and had gained 5kgs i.e. about a dress size.

“Now I can’t fit into any of my fashionable clothes. So I guess I’m not going anywhere until I lose this weight.”

By putting on weight so we are too big to leave the house to socialise – for whatever rationalisation – we achieve the end result of avoiding the risk of potential intimacy. I never cease to be fascinated by the endlessly creative spirit of the human state!

PS In the end she agreed that she had to get out there irrespective of her weight … we’ll see.

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