I often see people make decisions much more quickly than they need to. It is certainly a habit I am trying to rid myself of. As humans we feel the need, when presented with a question or a problem, to answer it sooner rather than later. It comes from a need, that we all have to varying degrees, for closure, to take the issue off our mind. Alternatively, we can feel we look like we are not that smart if we cannot come up with a quick response. One of my favourite writers, Mark Twain, dealt with our need to respond more quickly than we need to. With his inimitable wit he suggested, “It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.”

Our drive to respond quickly in making important decisions is not a problem if we’re choosing a movie, big problem if we’re choosing a car, a house, a career … or a partner. From a weight management perspective you would be surprised how much less you eat if you slow down your decision making when it comes to choosing what to put in your mouth next. You see all of these choices are initially driven by emotions around these needs for closure, comfort, or not to feel a fool, or to keep up with the Joneses. Over time, the emotions will be replaced by rationality as our higher self  is given the space to do what it does.

In certain situations, one has to make lightning fast decisions. The following comes from a pre-flight briefing from a Canadian Starfighter F104 instructor (thanks to Noel Whittaker the financial guru who sourced this lovely quote). These jet fighters were the first combat aircraft capable of sustained Mach 2 flight – yes, that is twice the speed of sound – and at full noise, it could go quite a bit faster again! NASA later used them for spaceflight training. So things happen very quickly in these machines and they did not have a great safety rating. Indeed, the Canadians’ nickname for it was the ‘Widowmaker’. Accordingly, the briefing by the trainer to trainee co-pilots went like this:

‘If you hear me yell, “Eject! Eject! Eject!” the last two will be echoes.

If you stop to ask “Why?” you’ll be talking to yourself, because by then you’ll be the pilot.’

Fortunately, we can generally make decisions more slowly in life. I would suggest that as a rather obvious guideline, the more important the decision, the more time should be put aside to make it. So a movie, several minutes; a car several weeks and a partner several months – and then a couple of years more before embarking on the complete lock-in – having children!

When I have to make an important decision, my first response is a question: When is the deadline? Read more »

One of my patients, a recently married, talented music producer, has been troubled for some time by his daily alcohol intake of often more than a bottle of wine a day. This week he told me how he had attended a wedding and even though he could have had more as he was driving, he only had one beer. The next day he threw a 40^th birthday party for his wife and had no more than two beers despite it being a lavish affair (that went very well). Then he drank nothing for the next five days as he worked on a musical event he was responsible for.

So what was the great therapeutic intervention that I instituted to manage his drinking that was so effective? Nothing. Zip. What we have been working on is finding meaning and purpose in his life and while I don’t think our work has yet to show its full benefit, this story illustrates why we are looking at finding meaning. You see, I believe he didn’t drink, because the social events and the upcoming music show gave his body and soul more than a good vintage wine could – it was filling the gap with meaning. He loves making music happen. He loves showcasing the talent of young musicians. He was in flow. When we are in flow, we don’t want the alcohol to, because it gets in the way of what gives us real, meaningful happiness.

I shared this thought, one of my ‘rememberings’, with one of my highly insightful, surprisingly enlightened, young patients. She said how as a young child she had journalled: ‘God doesn’t care if I’m scared or angry, he only cares about the choices I make and what I end up doing.’ Very cool.

The point is, we need to decide whether or not to do things based on how meaningful it would be for us to do them. If there is little or no meaning, or if we’re just doing it for the money, or the recognition, skip it. But if it talks to us, if it reflects our values, if it’s about who we are and what we do …

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There are two types of Giving. There is the giving that expects a return (even if it is later down the track). Then there is the Giving where the reward is simply that which comes from the experience of being part of what is the oldest, purest loving act. If you feel in any way depleted by your act of giving then you are giving with a little ‘g’. Big ‘G’ Giving is done without the Ego getting in the way. This allows us to Give more powerfully, with the recipient getting the full potential of the act of Giving.

In relationship therapy, I often see couples with problems giving with a little ‘g’ – or ‘tit-for-tat’ giving – i.e. I’ll do this for you on the basis you do this for me – often unspoken – it’s not worth much. It does not capture the fullness of the key strategy of  ‘working to be the best partner you can be’ irrespective of how your partner responds (whether they develop this skill for your current partner or your next one).

And then, few things shift a negative mood state more effectively than big ‘G’ giving.

[This post is very much for my patients as an aide de memoir, it may not make much sense to others.]

Three steps sit behind the process of changing our unwanted unconscious behaviours. These are patterned responses that are triggered by certain people or certain situations. Your partner makes a negative comment that is similar to the way your father did and click, you shut down. Someone ignores you the way you felt ignored by the kid at school you really wanted to like you, click you feel dismissed and alone. After we come to understand these ‘dynamics’ we can then go through a three step process to free ourselves from these patterned responses.

1. First, identify the unconscious motivation behind the unwanted behaviour – the programming that makes us automatically behave in a given way. For example, when I’m criticised in a certain way I shut down/get angry.
2. Practice mindfulness at the risk times (make the most of those ‘difficult’ people who are regulars in your life and typically trigger you – you can’t practice on those who flit in unexpectedly) to decrease your ‘Lag Time’ to Zero. Your Lag Time is the time between when you behave in this patterned, problematic way and when you realise that your unconscious motivation was triggered into play. It may start at a few days before you realise what happened, but with practice, over time you can get it down to a few minutes (damn they triggered me again) then a few seconds – now you can visit step 3.
3. Only after completing steps one and two can you now CHOOSE what you do next. For this you need to have alternative healthier behaviours (that you have rehearsed) to choose from.

Remember without completing steps 1. and 2. none of us can exercise our ‘freedom of choice’. That’s right, you can’t change if you don’t know what your programming is and when it’s triggered.

In this article I want to look at what is perhaps the most troubling issue for every human on the planet – how to move ourselves out of a troubling, often overwhelming, negative mood state.

Here is a summary of the 5 techniques – I could write a book on each one, so this is just an overview. It all starts with developing your Observer.

With our observer turned on we can pull back from just being our emotions to observing them. Until our observer is turned on we will just be emotional. There are five strategies we can use to move out of negative emotions once our observer is turned on. Our Observer’s first job is to choose a strategy to try first. Different ways work for different people, and different strategies work at different times. Children will most likely find the last 3 the most helpful – discuss them with your child.

1. Cognitive shifting – Challenge irrational thoughts or Detach from them by thanking your mind for trying to keep you safe (because that is why it worries). Detaching from your thoughts is probably the easier. Most fears are not truths, most fears will never happen, 90% of the things we worry about never occur. Problems that do actually occur in life are rarely those we worried about. Worry is very over-rated by our minds. Worse, it pushes out better thoughts. After detaching, shift your focus onto appreciating what is good in your life (find 5 things) or get to work on a project that is meaningful for you.
2. Understanding the origins of your emotions, who or what triggers them and why – so you can identify the point at which you can choose to go in a different direction. Identify the true origin of what is upsetting you. Often what we think is the cause is just a trigger. When someone evokes a strong negative feeling in us, often they have either reminded us of someone from our past or a part of ourselves that we are not too happy with. Until you understand the emotion, you will have great difficulty moving. In the same way, memories of situations, interactions with others that continue you to haunts us, do so because we have not learnt the lesson we need to learn.
3. Physiological shifting. A good sleep is the best example. When you’re really stressed, the help of mild sedative (e.g. Valerian) may be necessary – there is nothing worse than adding sleep deprivation to a problem(s) that you already have. A couple of drinks can shift our physiology to a happier place, but that does not mean that more is better!  Relaxation exercises, the half-smile manoeuvre and massage are healthier options. Antidepressant medication may be necessary if you become clinically anxious or depressed. There are lots of good non-addictive, non-sedating medications around now.
4. Behavioural: This is where we do something different to change our mood state. Approach a threat, or feared situation,  instead of avoid it is the most powerful. Skills training (e.g. assertiveness) is a different form of this. Mindfully connecting with nature by getting outside and walking through a park, or better still, along a beach, can shift our state as much as a valium tablet! If you are spiritual or religious, meditating or praying can be a powerful way of breaking out of a negative emotional state.
5. Engage competing emotions: Perhaps my favourite strategy. Visualise times of pleasure and achievement from your life going back to childhood. You can do this on awakening in the morning to start your day the right way round. Wander back to times when things went your way and bask in the feeling. Van Morrison’s song Days Like This is about these times.  The most powerful competing emotions to any negative state are laughter and appreciation. The latter can be hard to do when you’re feeling really down, so it’s much easier to get out a funny DVD, or watch some stand-up comedy, or go see some live. (As you can see there is some overlap between these strategies as this is a form of strategies 3 and 4 – but you get the idea.)

These 5 strategies are there for you to see which will work for you. At different times differents strategies will work better – trial and error them! Find two or three that work best for you. Read this list when you are down, as your memory will not allow you to access this kind of information otherwise.

Hope this helps.