When wanting to introduce new efficiencies on his production line, Henry Ford apparently would have the laziest man in that section brought to him to implement the new measure. When questioned, he explained, “The laziest man will work out the best way to get the desired result for the least effort – that makes him the most valuable man in the section to me.”
Often I see a partner who decides, for a variety of reasons (from relationship going well to relationship going badly) to really put in some work to let their partner know they are loved and appreciated. Unless they understand and have worked out their partner’s language of love their efforts, sadly, often go completely wasted. Worse than this, they are less inclined to try again, “Why should I bother, last time he/she didn’t appreciate it.” This is a disaster for a marriage and a very slippery slope towards the death of a relationship.
For these reasons, if we want a rewarding, happy relationship, we all must become experts in what makes our partner feel loved. It took me a few years to work out that for my wife it is the love language of language itself i.e. connecting through being alone together and discussing intimate issues. This is one of the two ‘Tell Me’ Languages of Love: ‘Quality Time’. The other Tell Me language is,’tell me how much you love me’ or what are called, ‘Words of affirmation and love”.
‘Show Me’ and ‘Touch Me’ are the other two categories each referring to two languages. Show Me refers to ‘Acts of Service’ and ‘Receiving Gifts’. Touch Me refers to non-sexual affection e.g. hugs/cuddles, and secondly, to sex and sexual affection.
Gary Chapman wrote the book on this subject – The Five Love Languages – and groups the sexual and non-sexual touching together. For many people there is a very big difference between the two. Many of my female patients want the non-sexual and get angry when they get the sexual instead – hence why I, and others, make the distinction. Start by clicking here to go to Chapman’s site and take the simple test to work out your top two languages. Then get your partner to do it.
Just going through this exercise helps people ‘get’ the importance of working this out. After all, we all want our efforts to make our partner feel loved to be appreciated. Take note (or not, at your peril) of your partner’s top two languages as well as the ones that do not turn them on at all. Then put your efforts to show you care just into either of these forms that you now know will be appreciated by your partner. From this day forward, get lazy!
To listen to a wonderful talk on how to tune into our partner’s language of love, click here.