Not so long ago I shared a podium with the legendary AFL player, captain and coach Leigh Matthews. He told the amusing story of how they had a sports psychologist profile each of his team’s players into categories like ‘Thinker’, ‘Feeler’ (I wouldn’t have thought there would be much room for these guys on a football field!), ‘Enforcer’ (sounds more like it) and ‘Mozzie’ (these guys buzz around with their ADHD, bothering the hell out of the other team).

The psychologist was explaining to Leigh how, for example, you give the Thinkers the game plan the night before to ponder it, whereas the Mozzies you don’t tell until just before they go on because they have the memory span of a … well, you get the idea. Then Leigh, getting a bit irritable with all the psychobabble, asks the psychologist, ‘Just tell me which types respond best to me criticising and yelling at them?!’

The psychologist was a little tentative in front of the great man. ‘Aah … sorry sir. No personality type responds well to being criticised or yelled at. In fact, to bring the best out in people they need to feel good about themselves. Yelling at someone never achieves that.’

Leigh was more than a little disappointed. But, he went on to say that it has become clear to him that it is a total myth that people stay on their toes if you are critical, if you don’t reassure them, don’t let them know when they do something well. Specific recognition (rather than general positive comments) improves performance and brings out the best in people.

Partners, who would never consider yelling at a work colleague, somehow think it’s ok to yell at each other. Then they complain about their relationship/partner not meeting their needs. People who don’t like their overweight body often spend a lot of time putting themselves down, yelling at themselves in their mind, hating their body. We all need to remember to focus on parts of partners (and parts of our bodies) that we can appreciate – from this place real change for the better can occur.