What is it that makes a true friend? This is a question that has been on my mind for many years. Indeed, my wife and I chose a reading at our wedding (24 years ago this year!!) that spoke of how a true friend is someone with whom you can dare to be yourself. This is no more true than it is of a life partner. There can be no real intimacy if we do not take the risk of being who we really are – warts and all. While we need to be who we are, we also need to be gentle with our partner and our friends who take the risk of being who they really are with us.

On my desk in my office are words that touch on this critical aspect of true friendship. It reminds us to be very forgiving if we call ourselves a true friend. In my research into how we choose our partners – and the importance of dating in this process – i recently discovered the author of these words that are wrongly attributed to George Eliot (thanks to a patient who pointed this out). They were in fact written by Dinah Craik in her novel A life for a life published in 1859. She was one of the most successful English female writers of her day. Thanks also to one of my patients who suggested I share these words more widely – apparently the end of my desk has limited reach amongst the greater population! Here they are:

Oh, the comfort — the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person
having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words,
but pouring them all right out, just as they are,
chaff and grain together;
certain that a faithful hand
will take and sift them,
keep what is worth keeping, and then
with the breath of kindness
blow the rest away.